day 10

Husbands and wives grieve differently

It has been 10 months since I last opened this book. I don't know why I fell off. I am back on now. The one year anniversary of my loss and come and gone and they day was kinda overshadowed by 20 or so inches of snow. On 2/1 we had a massive blizzard and I spent a good portion of 2/2 shoveling snow. Sean and I got to spend the whole day together so it was nice. I still have moments but they don't hurt quite so much. On to the devotion.......

1. How do you are your spouse express grief differently?
That is a tough question. Sean and I are both very different and I don't really know how he expresses grief. I know that I cry and get angry. I want tangible reminders of those I have lost. I still have the book marks that we got from the funeral home from when my grandparents died. Sean has never made me fell silly for grieving our loss to hard but I have felt alone in my grief often.

2. our loss has drawn Sean and I closer rather than create distance. We have experience two soul shaking tragedies in our marriage and each one binds us together that much more. I know Sean will never leave me and that he will always be in love with me just as I will be with him. We have walked through fire and come out on the other side, the only way we made it is because we clung to each other. At the time of Sean's brain tumor we did not have a relationship with God but I know that God was by my side during the whole 12 days my husband fought for his life in the ICU. That led us to where we are today and I could never had made it through my miscarriage without God and my church family.

That is it for today. There are a few excercies in here that I hope I can do with Sean to help me better understand how he grieves because I honestly don't know.

Day 9

Happy Sad Days

1. Take a few moments to reflect on your child. How old would he or she be now? What do you think he or shoe would be like.

My baby would be a few weeks old and I was really hoping to be successful breast feeding this time around so I think we would be focusing on that a lot. I hope Noah would be like Tyler, he was sweet and ever so perfect. Did not cry much and stole both Sean and I's heart. He could also be a holy terror with colic and who knows what else but I like my fantasy of a perfect child who sleeps through the night and latches on instantly.

2. Certian dates may trigger happy-sad emotions about your child. Some people may grieve through planting a tree or giving to a special cause in memory of their child. What is your plan?

On Noah's due date we released balloons that we had written notes to him on. This was mostly for Tyler but I got a suprising amount of closure from it. We will probably do something on 2-2-11 this year but not sure what yet. I'm gonna wait till that day gets closer to make a plan, until then I am going to try and use my pain to help others in my situation.

3. Write a letter to your child in heaven. Ask questions. Share your feelings.

I will do this but I'm not going to post it on here. I think it's a great idea.

Day 8

The Empty Frame

1. How have you suffered in secret about your loss?

I have had the opportunity to share my loss with many trusted people in my life. They know that I fell to my knees on the bathroom floor and wept for the life of my child, for the brother or sister my Tyler would never know, and for my husband who could not be there to hold me. They know what my Mother had to do to dispose of the remains of my child. My child who had a heart beat just a few weeks prior. I saw it, I have video of it. That baby was alive and he had been knit in my womb by God. The one secret I keep to this day is....what I did wrong. I drank 3 caffeinated drinks the Friday before I lost Noah. I did not mean to I just forgot that I had already had my daily quota. Also I used a heating pad a few times, I don't even know if that is allowed. I'm afraid to look it up to see that yes using a heating pad during pregnancy will cause you to miscarry. I took extra strength Tylenol a few times during a particularly intense migraine. I did not get to have tests done on the baby so I don't know what caused him to die (we do know that much, he died before I lost him) so I am left forever wondering if any of those things caused the end of his very short life?

2. What feelings have you locked away?

I have locked away many feelings as time goes on. I don't let myself grieve much these days. I don't let myself have a good cry. I am having a hard time getting pregnant and sometimes I get overwhelmed that my last pregnancy experience will be with Noah. My Tyler will never get to have a baby instead of an angel. So to be honest I have locked away quite a bit of my grief. I only let it out a tiny bit at a time.

3. describe your empty picture frame. How do you feel when you look at it?

My empty picture frame is one a pewter one. When I look at it I feel like I cheated my family out of a member. I feel like there is a hole where an amazing life, just like his older brother, should be.

4. naming your child is not necessary, but it is certainly acceptable to God.

We named our Baby Noah. I had boy vibes from the moment I found out I was pregnant, and that was my boy name. I love that name and while I have had a few moments of regret, giving that name to this baby was really my only option.

day 7

This is the longest 30 day devotional ever. I'm gonna try and finish it before october.

Journey through the darkness of depression.

1. In what specific ways are you having difficulty coping with life?

It has been over six months since I lost Noah and for the most part I am good. One difficulty I am having though is I'm grumpy. I get grumpy with my husband and son unnecessarily and I feel bad about that. I know its mild depression and I am working through it. I'm trying to "shake it off".

2. what steps can you take to seek help?

For me I have not gotten to the point where I feel I need to get professional help but there is an empty arms group at Morris hospital. I would start there and then move on to one on one therapy with a professional.

3. Whom do you know who could brighten your path and help you journey through the dark night of your soul.

My husband, my son, my friends, my pastor, and my doctor. I have wonderful support in my life all them rooted in God. I am truly blessed.

Day 6

Nothing to show for my loss

1. Recall the first time after you lost your child when you realized you had empty arms? What emotions did you encounter.

The first time I realized I had empty arms was right after I lost the baby. While sobbing on the bathroom floor I could think about was how am I going to tell Tyler he's not gonna have a baby brother or sister any more? Then I thought about how I was going to live without this baby. It was such a gift and I wanted him so bad. The emotions I encountered most ofter was grief and sadness. I also felt comforted by the outpouring of support I received and the love God poured down on me.

2. Some women who lost children said that aching arms was a common occurrence for them and holding something helped ease the pain. What could you hold?

I have a raggedy Ann doll that I hold a lot and I have a blanket that Pam got me with Noah on it. I sometimes hold that too. It does help my "aching arms" a lot.

3. Jesus was innocent, yet willing to suffer and died. How does His example give you hope?

his example gives me hope because I know getting to Heaven to be with him is the ultimate healing. My arms will never ache again once I'm there.

day 5

Missing in action

1. Are you to busy? Make a list of your roles and the activities associated with each role in a typical week. Is time alone with God on your list?

some would say yes I'm to busy but some days I am way to busy and some days I'm not.

my roles

-MOPS coordinator

-ASC

-Home group

-GKGW

ASC is not an option. It's my job and I love it. MOPS takes a good portion of my time but I love it too. Home group takes very little time outside of the actual meeting and that's the same with GKGW. So in actuality I am not very busy at all. Yet I struggle to make quite time for God on a daily basis. I take great comfort in God but to sit down and make quite time is a daily struggle. I need to make more of an effort.

2. Do you feel as if you've been avoiding facing your hurt? Why or why not? Why do you think it is so difficult for you to be still?

I have for sure been avoiding facing my hurt. I did a good job at first dealing with it but it was so easy to tuck my hurt away and just not think about it. I'll deal with it another day when I'm not so busy, or when I feel stronger. Neither of those days ever come though. I think it's difficult for me to be still because I can't shut my head off. More often than not when I sit down to be quite I can't pray. I can't focus on what I want to pray about and my head zooms off in a million different directions. It drives me crazy.

3. Where is your foxhole of faith, the physical place you go to be still with God? If you don't have a place, where could you go? Read psalm 46, Matthew 11:28, and psalm 5.

The place I go most often is my bedroom but I have a TV in there and my computer. It's sometimes hard to ignore their draw. I don't really have any other place to go in my home. I am so easily distracted and I am so rarely home alone to have quite time in the kitchen. I just need to set the time aside and just be a big girl and make it happen. I tried sitting at the kitchen table today and as long as no one is home it works but Tyler is about to get out of school for the summer and I'm taking on some extra responsibility this summer. After reading the bible verses I see that all that matters is I make time for him. I will find my rest in him and I need to keep my focus on that. I will find my fox hole and rest in him.

4. Schedule at least ten min. each day to be still with God. Take your list of activities to Him and ask Him to show you the roles you need to release for a time.

5. Are there others who can help you face reality and share your load? Who are they?

I already have more help that I could have ever wished form. I have more support in this season of my life than I have had in any other. I am truly blessed in that way.

Day 4

From Minimizing to Validating

This was a very hard chapter. This was the closest I came to shedding tears. I still hold on to them so tightly though. I fear letting my emotions out, I fear I won't be able to control them.

1. How have others minimized your loss? How does that make you feel? Why do you feel others responded that way?

I thankfully have not have many people minimizing my pain. A few people said that the baby was probably not right and that's why God took him home, even I have said that. I don't pretend to know why others say the things they do. I think maybe because for so long talking about pregnancy loss was taboo. Old habits are hard to break.

2. Read Psalm 139 aloud. What verses validate your child's worth?

Your eye's saw my unformed body. All the day ordained for me were written in your book. Every Moment was laid out before a single moment had passed.

This moved me quite a bit. Almost brought me to tears. God did knit this baby in my womb and even though his life never came to be God knew him and loved him. Noah was a beautiful gift and I take comfort in the fact that even know he never took his first breath his heart was beating and he is not forgotten by me or by God.

3. Often people make hurtful comments because they are uninformed. They may not fully understand that loss is loss and you cannot compare how long you were pregnant or had a child to the grief you may feel. What could others say that could validate your loss?

I have two friends who lost babies at birth, when they told me my loss was tremendous and worthy of grief I felt so validated. Even these women who had lost so much more (in my opinion) saw my baby for what he was to me. What others could say who have not experienced such loss is just I'm sorry. Period. No "it was probably for the best" or "it could have been worse". Just acknowledge that even though he was very small that I lost a child. That is what Noah was to me. My child. I loved him and wanted him so badly. when I think that I will never feel his little body in my arms it overwhelms me.