Day 8

The Empty Frame

1. How have you suffered in secret about your loss?

I have had the opportunity to share my loss with many trusted people in my life. They know that I fell to my knees on the bathroom floor and wept for the life of my child, for the brother or sister my Tyler would never know, and for my husband who could not be there to hold me. They know what my Mother had to do to dispose of the remains of my child. My child who had a heart beat just a few weeks prior. I saw it, I have video of it. That baby was alive and he had been knit in my womb by God. The one secret I keep to this day is....what I did wrong. I drank 3 caffeinated drinks the Friday before I lost Noah. I did not mean to I just forgot that I had already had my daily quota. Also I used a heating pad a few times, I don't even know if that is allowed. I'm afraid to look it up to see that yes using a heating pad during pregnancy will cause you to miscarry. I took extra strength Tylenol a few times during a particularly intense migraine. I did not get to have tests done on the baby so I don't know what caused him to die (we do know that much, he died before I lost him) so I am left forever wondering if any of those things caused the end of his very short life?

2. What feelings have you locked away?

I have locked away many feelings as time goes on. I don't let myself grieve much these days. I don't let myself have a good cry. I am having a hard time getting pregnant and sometimes I get overwhelmed that my last pregnancy experience will be with Noah. My Tyler will never get to have a baby instead of an angel. So to be honest I have locked away quite a bit of my grief. I only let it out a tiny bit at a time.

3. describe your empty picture frame. How do you feel when you look at it?

My empty picture frame is one a pewter one. When I look at it I feel like I cheated my family out of a member. I feel like there is a hole where an amazing life, just like his older brother, should be.

4. naming your child is not necessary, but it is certainly acceptable to God.

We named our Baby Noah. I had boy vibes from the moment I found out I was pregnant, and that was my boy name. I love that name and while I have had a few moments of regret, giving that name to this baby was really my only option.