day 5

Missing in action

1. Are you to busy? Make a list of your roles and the activities associated with each role in a typical week. Is time alone with God on your list?

some would say yes I'm to busy but some days I am way to busy and some days I'm not.

my roles

-MOPS coordinator

-ASC

-Home group

-GKGW

ASC is not an option. It's my job and I love it. MOPS takes a good portion of my time but I love it too. Home group takes very little time outside of the actual meeting and that's the same with GKGW. So in actuality I am not very busy at all. Yet I struggle to make quite time for God on a daily basis. I take great comfort in God but to sit down and make quite time is a daily struggle. I need to make more of an effort.

2. Do you feel as if you've been avoiding facing your hurt? Why or why not? Why do you think it is so difficult for you to be still?

I have for sure been avoiding facing my hurt. I did a good job at first dealing with it but it was so easy to tuck my hurt away and just not think about it. I'll deal with it another day when I'm not so busy, or when I feel stronger. Neither of those days ever come though. I think it's difficult for me to be still because I can't shut my head off. More often than not when I sit down to be quite I can't pray. I can't focus on what I want to pray about and my head zooms off in a million different directions. It drives me crazy.

3. Where is your foxhole of faith, the physical place you go to be still with God? If you don't have a place, where could you go? Read psalm 46, Matthew 11:28, and psalm 5.

The place I go most often is my bedroom but I have a TV in there and my computer. It's sometimes hard to ignore their draw. I don't really have any other place to go in my home. I am so easily distracted and I am so rarely home alone to have quite time in the kitchen. I just need to set the time aside and just be a big girl and make it happen. I tried sitting at the kitchen table today and as long as no one is home it works but Tyler is about to get out of school for the summer and I'm taking on some extra responsibility this summer. After reading the bible verses I see that all that matters is I make time for him. I will find my rest in him and I need to keep my focus on that. I will find my fox hole and rest in him.

4. Schedule at least ten min. each day to be still with God. Take your list of activities to Him and ask Him to show you the roles you need to release for a time.

5. Are there others who can help you face reality and share your load? Who are they?

I already have more help that I could have ever wished form. I have more support in this season of my life than I have had in any other. I am truly blessed in that way.

Day 4

From Minimizing to Validating

This was a very hard chapter. This was the closest I came to shedding tears. I still hold on to them so tightly though. I fear letting my emotions out, I fear I won't be able to control them.

1. How have others minimized your loss? How does that make you feel? Why do you feel others responded that way?

I thankfully have not have many people minimizing my pain. A few people said that the baby was probably not right and that's why God took him home, even I have said that. I don't pretend to know why others say the things they do. I think maybe because for so long talking about pregnancy loss was taboo. Old habits are hard to break.

2. Read Psalm 139 aloud. What verses validate your child's worth?

Your eye's saw my unformed body. All the day ordained for me were written in your book. Every Moment was laid out before a single moment had passed.

This moved me quite a bit. Almost brought me to tears. God did knit this baby in my womb and even though his life never came to be God knew him and loved him. Noah was a beautiful gift and I take comfort in the fact that even know he never took his first breath his heart was beating and he is not forgotten by me or by God.

3. Often people make hurtful comments because they are uninformed. They may not fully understand that loss is loss and you cannot compare how long you were pregnant or had a child to the grief you may feel. What could others say that could validate your loss?

I have two friends who lost babies at birth, when they told me my loss was tremendous and worthy of grief I felt so validated. Even these women who had lost so much more (in my opinion) saw my baby for what he was to me. What others could say who have not experienced such loss is just I'm sorry. Period. No "it was probably for the best" or "it could have been worse". Just acknowledge that even though he was very small that I lost a child. That is what Noah was to me. My child. I loved him and wanted him so badly. when I think that I will never feel his little body in my arms it overwhelms me.