I am doing a book called grieving the child I never knew. I lost my sweet unborn baby on 2/2/2010 and I never knew my heart could be hurt so badly and continue on beating. I am no stranger to greif, my husband suffered through brain surgery for a brain tumor and radiation. That was a terriable time and I had no idea how we were ever going to make it through that but we did. God held us through that time in our lives and I felt so blessed to have come out of it with a husband who is almost better than he was before he was diagnoised. I figured I had been through the worst time in my life and it would all be cake from there. Even my husband getting a job in a city four hours away was a cake walk compared to facing cancer. I stayed behind because of so many reasons but he comes home every weekend and we are closer now that we have ever been. Plus the job is temporary and he could be laid off any day.
We had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year (mind you I only see him on the weekends) and we finally got pregnant. I found out late December that I would be having a baby on august 20th. I was a little worried about being pregnant during the summer but I was so happy to be pregnant. I went through 6 weeks of pregnancy with all the usual stuff and around week 10 I started feeling better. I figured it was because I was nearing the end of my first trimester and that's when I felt better with my first child Tyler. That Sunday though I ended up in the hospital with heavy bleeding. The doc's there told me it was a UTI and to go home and rest. The following Tuesday I miscarried at home very traumatically (not that every miscarriage isn't traumatic but I had to see my unborn child and it's am image I will never forget). My Mom called 911 because I was so hysterical and bleeding very heavily. I left my home with my heart broken because I had to leave both of my children behind. My poor sweet Tyler scared because he did not know what was going on and my little Bean who never was taken back home after only being here for 11 weeks.
I was alone at the hospital because Sean had gone back to work and My mother had to stay with my son. But I was not really alone, God never left me. I actually felt his presence the whole time I felt pressure from his presence and it was very comforting. Sean called after I had been admitted in the ER expecting to hear from a hysterical woman again but I was calm and collected. God had given me that gift. A dear friend soon arrived to be with me and Sean made it in just as the were wheeling me into surgery for a D&C. How appropriate that this happened on groundhogs day, cause I live it over and over again.
Please follow me as I go through 31 days of devotion to grieve the child I never knew, Noah.
Wow Andee! First off, what courage you have to share such a powerful and touching personal part of your life. Bravo to you because this takes much strength. I live my life like an open book because I feel that our experiences we go thru in life can maybe be a lesson for someone else. If I could touch one persons life with something I have gone thru, then I am thankful. I know what you are going thru and what you must have been feeling and are still feeling to this day as I have lost 3 babies. When I got pregnant with my first child, Anthony, he was not planned. My husband and I used many things to ensure that we did not get pregnant so when I found out, I was more than shocked but elated. I knew that for whatever reason, God wanted me to meet him so I call Anthony my miracle baby. When Anthony was 15 months old, I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked because it was so close to Anthony's age and I was scared. I went to the doctor, found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and there we were. You start to get excited and make plans. Then I started to cramp and bleed around 8 weeks and so went back to the doctor and had an ultrasound and the doctor had confirmed my worse fear. There was no baby no more and I was devastated. A year and a half later I had found out I was pregnant again and so excited. Anthony had just turned 3 so the timing was perfect. A few weeks later, I was at work and all of a sudden felt and urge to push so ran to the washroom and decided to pee in a cup (dont ask me what I was thinking, maybe because I had a miscarriage before I knew something wasn't right) so I peed in this cup and all of a sudden when I pushed this large clump came out. SO I kept it in the cup and ran it to the doctors office where they confirmed that I had lost a baby. I was 13 weeks pregnant. This was just so devastating. You wonder what did you do wrong? Why did this happen again? What am I doing wrong? I opted with both miscarriages not to have a DNC and just pass it naturally as I was afraid that would ruin my chances of getting pregnant ever again.Then finally a year later I found I was pregnant again but before I could even make it to my doctors appointment I had yet another miscarriage. After that I found out that I had a disease called POF-Premature Ovarian Failure and Endometriosis. I could have had surgery for the endometriosis but I couldn't afford it and couldn't take the time off work and my son Anthony had already been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism so I had a more important challenge than myself to worry about and that was Anthony. I focused all my time and energy on him and helping him deal with everyday struggles. SO bottom line is I couldnt have any more babies and for a long time I had a hard time dealing with that because I wanted more children but I think God blessed me with Anthony because he knew Anthony needed me and needed me to help him get thru life and face these difficult challenges. I know what you are going thru and I can relate and it is so hard and you wonder why. There are no answers. Life is about death but it doesnt take the pain away or make it any less. I am so sorry for your loss. I firmly believe if its meant to be it will be and I wish you luck with whatever journey life takes you thru.
ReplyDeleteThanks Angie. I am so sorry for your losses but thank you for sharing. I have a small fear that I will end up in your same situation of not being able to have any more kids but I know I have to trust in God and just not give up. If we have another child I will be thrilled but if not, Tyler is an amazing boy and I am so proud to be his mother.
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